Parenting Beyond the Pale

In 2005 we participated in Marriage Equality USA's Valentines Day Action - driving to the City Clerk's office in Martinez, CA and asking for a marriage licence.  It didn't work out so well for a wedding that day, but you can read the newspaper article about our participation in the event by clicking on this link:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/02/15/BAGU1BB0HU1.DTL

March 11, 2004.  Don't be afraid of Shamu there in the green overalls - Melissa and I were the second-to-last couple to be married at San Francisco City Hall in March 2004 - 15 days before giving birth to Gabriel.  Rabbi Jane accompanied and married us, and is truly the reason we got married at all.  I was concentrating on waddling through the building and Melissa was helping me along, when Jane noticed a commotion:  the apologetic officials announcing that all same-sex marriages were being called to a halt, right now.  But!  If you'd already paid, and signed...run!  Waddle your butt off and file the thing!  So Jane hauled us to the appropriate counter, and legally married we were, if only for a few months when the letter arrived informing us of our annulment, and asking if we would like to have our money refunded.  What you YOU think?

That is, the one that means the most to us. On July 19th, 2003, Melissa and I were married at Congregation Beth El in Berkeley, CA by Rabbi Jane Rachel Litman. It just may have been the happiest day of my life. It was a small, extremely modest wedding - but my parents and Melissa's mother stood (yes stood! the group was that small) amid a circle of our best friends and pledged our love and commitment to each other in front of that audience. 

My favorite memories of that day:

• Melissa - ever the shy one - cringes at the thought of a group of friends singing "Happy Birthday," much less hearing her 'pledge her troth.' Three day before the wedding - guests ON THEIR GODDAMN Airplanes - she announces, "I just can't do this." I panicked. Called Rabbi Jane apoplectic, who immediately cleared time for us in her schedule. Jane had the sense to question - what EXACTLY can't you do? Turns out it wasn't the marriage that freaked the bejezus out of Melissa, but the taking of vows before a group. Jane had a solution, "Jewish law requires two witnesses. How about we do the vows in my office in front of them, and then continue the ceremony with the full group?" Melissa, miraculously, agreed, and that's exactly what happened.
• I forgot my jacket at home, and sent Melissa to fetch it. She took a loooooong time retuning. Jane and my mother were both visibly shaken -- would she ever return? I busied myself with napkin folding.
• Rabbi Jane had been gardening all morning, and when she held up the rings her fingernails were blackened with soil. I swooned a moment and thought, "how fitting?"
• We recruited our friends to do the traditional seven blessings. They were all wonderful, but the blessing written by our friend Ruth Lesher absolutely knocks me out. Here it is:

   We praise you, Eternal our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of all that is and all that is to come.

   We praise you, Eternal our god, Ruler of the Universe, Awakener of love, of creativity expressed through the

   Drone of the cicadas

   The splash of paint on an empty canvas

   The asking of deep questions and exploration of answers

   The cry of a baby wanting to be held

   The compassion of one who sits beside a partner

   The sun deepening to meet the belly of the earth

   The savoring of a shared meal

   The silencing of a siren’s cry

   The whispers of two lovers joining in the night.

   We praise you, Eternal our God, Ruler of the Universe, for ordinary moments that transform the very stuff of life into    extraordinary ones because you breathe creativity, honesty, mutuality, reciprocity---weaving the lives of Melissa and Erica, such that we get a glimpse of your love for humanity.

   We praise you, Eternal God, Ruler of the Universe, for you abundant blessings upon Erica and Melissa.

  May your love be as tall as the earth and as deep as the sky.